tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-79004423142807843762024-03-12T21:27:32.880-07:00Treyshawne's Diary•Treyshawnehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00926589357586995752noreply@blogger.comBlogger35125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7900442314280784376.post-44954094627708977592015-04-26T02:46:00.000-07:002015-04-26T02:46:07.857-07:00CRUSHED VENEER°<div style="text-align: justify;">
Generally, I'm believed to be that guy who walks around bearing a smile on his face, seemingly happy about everything every little thing on the planet. I'm the last person on the planet anyone would think suffers from Depression, especially of the severe form , but I do. Imagine this; I may have a fantastic day and then something sets me off in a way I can't control, I go down in a spiral of self hate despite the fact that the day went well.</div>
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Sometimes I look into the mirror and ask myself “how could this have happened to me?” we are much too young to deal with most of our problems, unfortunately they push themselves on us until we are forced to make a solution; No matter how drastic they seem.</div>
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The last few years have changed so much. I’ve been subject to pain, depression, sadness and every form of agony that a human mind can experience. Life happens to all of us quite alright, but for some people it’s never the way we want it. A wrong turn here and there and you’re stuck in the labyrinth of melancholy forever. And when the anguish surpasses the breaking point, there’s no turning back. You’re stuck with misery forever.</div>
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If you’ve ever felt the sense of grief as deeply as I have, you might agree that the aftermath leads to such consequences as:</div>
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It gets compulsive. After a point sadness is a sort of habit. You can’t really function without the empty ache somewhere inside you. Somehow, after you’ve been exposed to such an intense feeling of grief for so long it feels natural to exist with a tinge of lingering sadness. And it’s not like you don’t laugh or joke around, life is pretty normal except that there’s a customary sorrow that just won’t go away.</div>
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When you've suffered abrupt depression, everything seems a bit poetic. Yes, that’s one of the cool things. Being sad adds a touch of poetry to your life. It gets perfect when you’re in the car with the earphones on and a sad song plays and you stare out of the window feeling like a tragedy magnet. But in fact, being sad is not poetic at all because in the end it only makes you feel like shit. It’s like performing in an empty theatre with no audience to watch you.</div>
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You become kinder. A person who has seen pain and sadness up so close can understand other people better. Most of the people so easily forget that others are human. But one only understands grief when you’ve felt it physically. That’s why I believe distress makes a person more humane. Sad people are kinder, more compassionate and forgiving. They care about other people’s feelings because they know how it feels when no one cares about theirs.</div>
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You become introspective. When you’ve spent so long wishing for happiness, you do tend to think more deeply about what makes you happy. And then you just think more deeply about everything. You also tend to overthink your decisions because you’re scared you’ll go wrong. You can’t afford another mistake and yet another regret.</div>
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You appreciate more. You appreciate the small things in life and see beauty where others don’t see anything. Most people just enjoy the music but a sad person understands the lyrics. For us, a rainy day and a good book or Music are as close as we can get to Happiness.</div>
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You become a creative person. It is the last but not the least thing that happens to you when you’re a gloomy person. In fact, it is the only actually good part. All these years of misery that you have stacked away in your heart flows out through your creative abilities. Most of the time people don’t even realize it. You’re just writing or painting or singing or whatever to let it all out and eventually when you look back you created a masterpiece!</div>
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I wrote this article six months back, i just didn't want to publish it, i think its long due. In the next article I'll talk about the past few months exclusively. Its been a rollercoaster of emotions actually. I guess, in the end we’re all a little sad. Some scars don’t fade away because they are the evidences of life, of the physical truth that we all Lived. (Thanks )</div>
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Treyshawnehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00926589357586995752noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7900442314280784376.post-75489742825529881752014-05-06T06:08:00.001-07:002014-05-06T06:22:19.376-07:00Vague**<span style="font-family: Noteworthy; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.292969); -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0976563); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(191, 107, 82, 0.496094); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; ">On that very may morning , I was shaken out of sleep, there was a colossal loss which lingered deep down. Sadness hovered over me like the planets around the sun. It was not a fluke that I saw you in my sleep, and it's still not a fluke that you kept starring and never said goodbye knowing fully well how much I've missed you.</span><div style="font-family: Noteworthy; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.292969); -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0976563); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(191, 107, 82, 0.496094); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; "><br></div><div style="font-family: Noteworthy; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.292969); -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0976563); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(191, 107, 82, 0.496094); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; ">I dreamed that you called my name; that I turned, <b>making one of those funny faces in cinematic slow motion, which in turn made you smile.</b> I dreamed that with one look you told me everything I had ever wanted to know. <span style="font-weight: bold; ">We faffed around smoking in the supernatural darkness of night floating across the tops of cities contemplating what next to do. It was such a beautiful dream till I saw the very thing that shook me out of sleep, I can remember vividly how you stared at me from across the road, as if telling me to stay. For some reason, I could have sworn you never wanted me to go, that the long stare was supposed to make me understand what you felt but couldn't express</span></div><div style="font-family: Noteworthy; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.292969); -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0976563); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(191, 107, 82, 0.496094); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; "><br></div><div style="font-family: Noteworthy; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.292969); -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0976563); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(191, 107, 82, 0.496094); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; "><div><b>I woke up with an overwhelming sense of nostalgia, the feel from that dazing revelation which i woke up from not only rendered me emotionless for the better part of that week but enhanced my very perception on how we are, it made me understand how strong our connection still was, and how whatever we had still waxed </b>. </div><div><br></div><div>It’s not been upto a year since we last met, since we went back to leading totally separate lives on different sides of the world. But the other night, I dreamed of you and I miss you, but I don’t want the you in real life, whatever that form may be. I miss the you back then, the one who dared to steal moments with me when no one was looking, who risked hurting others in order to inch closer to me. I was all you could see then, and nothing else mattered. We were reckless and even cruel to the people close to us, but we were blissfully happy, a willingness of the heart that burst thunderously on us because we finally found what we wanted for a long time – each other.</div></div><div style="font-family: Noteworthy; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.292969); -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0976563); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(191, 107, 82, 0.496094); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; "><br></div><div style="font-family: Noteworthy; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.292969); -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0976563); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(191, 107, 82, 0.496094); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; "><div>When I woke up.</div><div><br></div><div>I could still smell you.</div><div><br></div><div>Still feel where my hands had been.</div><div><br></div><div>Your hands against my hands.</div><div><br></div><div>You loved me.</div><div><br></div><div>I rolled over.</div><div><br></div><div>You weren’t there; but you were. You were in my bed, and then in my shower, then on the bus to school and all day you sat beside me until we rode the bus home together, ate dinner, and climbed back into bed where we kissed that morning; it was so real. </div><div><br></div><div><b>Someone once said 'all the bright special things fade so fast and they never come back but i strongly believe that separation is only an illusion. </b></div></div><div style="font-family: Noteworthy; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.292969); -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0976563); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(191, 107, 82, 0.496094); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; "><br></div><div style="font-family: Noteworthy; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.292969); -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0976563); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(191, 107, 82, 0.496094); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; "><u><b>Our day will come soonest...</b></u></div>Treyshawnehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00926589357586995752noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7900442314280784376.post-15050129707698610572014-02-22T05:15:00.002-08:002014-02-23T06:06:55.868-08:00We Remain (XVII .I. MMXIV)**
<br> The first time I met you, we smiled, you led me into the house applauding how different i looked in person compared to photos. we sat in the confines of your living room; conversations over glasses of <b>'Chateau Petrus wine'</b> turned into laughter over dinner at that delicious little soba spot in
SoHo. I felt as alive and warm as the buzzing recess of that restaurant. you just seemed like the average, all too simple type and Somehow, I knew you were going to be a ton of fun.<br><br>
You suggested we head out and drive around town, unaware how terrible I was at directions. I braved my navigational incompetence and helped us navigate, convinced I made the right choice. , we drove all around town, buying, drifting and laughing as we made life out of all our moments. when darkness fell i knew that for sure; my navigational incompetence was gonna pose a problem but nonetheless we made it all the way home.<br> <br>You dropped me home and said goodnight.<br> <br>The day after, you surprised me with a free spa treatment. I remember fidgeting in anticipation of the first haircut i was gonna get in years, let alone alongside you. And when you sat for the haircut, and you asked me to sit and get a haircut, a goofy smile dominated my face to which I turned back around and sat down to get the pampered treatment i so deserved and desired. I knew you were going to be unpredictable in the best way.<br> <br>The first time you visited my neighborhood, I showed you my choice confectionery,since i knew very well that you still had your sweet tooth, you smiled and asked that we get something to eat but i declined cos we had a long evening ahead, didn't wanna get all nauseous from eating and driving. I was feeling playful and started pointing at all the places i loved to visit, then half-jokingly you asked me to tell you all about them, I smiled and i knew we were gonna have ourselves a time around all these places..You were someone of unapologetic self-awareness, an infectious hunger for knowledge who constantly questioned others’ apathy. I was a nomadic spirit constantly leaping before I looked, who threw most caution to the winds that carried my whims. <br> <br>You brought me outside of myself.<br> <br>We never really even drank much on our meetings—it was actually refreshing how liquid courage was unnecessary to get to know you. You sent me silly Whatsapps of your room and made me laugh and reflect; I listened to your musings on the weather and the way people drove around us, firing off questions in attempts to understand the way your mind worked.<br><br>
We spent hours together exploring, drinking wine everywhere (driving around, getting clothes , on the couch watching Dstv), smoking weed, playing games or simply lazing in the sunshine on your patio balcony and sipping wine with cake, while spying on your neighbors down below with the overachiever garden. You knew your way around the stove but you didn't love to cook; you tried making some food for us to eat, which in turn turned to buying burgers from a fast-food shop and i laughed and ate to be nice. <br> <br>It was a gorgeous, endless winter.<br> <br><span style="color: red;">The distance between Africa and America became too far but not close enough.</span><br><br>
Backwards to five days before. The last Saturday, where I stormed out because i felt angry not because of the way i felt but from the anxiety in my mind. I struggled to say bye partially because of the looming sadness I left knowing it may be the last.<br> <br>I poured my fears out to you. In that moment, we were just two people equally together and alone. In that moment, I wanted to go back in time to the person you were and talk to you, tell you things would be okay. But I know you already know that they will be.<br> <br>And then we realized, is this as far as we can go?<br> <br><b>These are words of preservation, honoring a world in which you and I lived these days, sprinkled with silly jokes and weird animal nicknames. And I just wanted you to read them and know what they meant to me. I’m smiling because I will never view this city in the same way.<br> <span style="color: red;">This is an I miss you, a thank you for being everything you are. For meeting me on that warm January day, for asking permission to lie with my name, for challenging my thoughts and giving me wings in a city that can be so harsh and frigid and wretched yet so maddeningly beautiful at the same time. For finding the courage to be vulnerable with me, even if it was only for a moment and the most you could find within yourself to give</span>. And to let you know that I understand.<br> </b><br>Like you said, maybe this isn’t goodbye, but the start of a fresh page for both of us.<br>
Treyshawnehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00926589357586995752noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7900442314280784376.post-17913774275457576672014-01-18T03:17:00.001-08:002014-01-18T03:17:31.189-08:00Spilled Black Ink**<div style="font-family: Noteworthy; font-size: 18px; font-weight: bold; line-height: 24px; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.296875); -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0976563); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(191, 107, 82, 0.496094); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; "><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiK7KwAltsFD2t5ZOZspfCgrsuduWw9L6owKT-vMY9Muym4ccPI28xTD-JWps93i4lwI728ERpL3aGi7NSG7BE2tublExGnsFeLocguB6ANOD5-0DXf2J4nrxuNAQFtoIcjky64Y6-hgsE/s640/blogger-image--1085348003.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; "><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiK7KwAltsFD2t5ZOZspfCgrsuduWw9L6owKT-vMY9Muym4ccPI28xTD-JWps93i4lwI728ERpL3aGi7NSG7BE2tublExGnsFeLocguB6ANOD5-0DXf2J4nrxuNAQFtoIcjky64Y6-hgsE/s640/blogger-image--1085348003.jpg"></a></div><div style="font-family: Noteworthy; font-size: 18px; font-weight: bold; line-height: 24px; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.296875); -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0976563); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(191, 107, 82, 0.496094); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; "><br></div><div style="font-family: Noteworthy; font-size: 18px; font-weight: bold; line-height: 24px; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.296875); -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0976563); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(191, 107, 82, 0.496094); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; ">I wonder what I would tell you before we parted again. Would I just tell you goodbye again and watch you walk away as I seethed in pits of bitter unrequited feelings , or would I open the faucet and let those years of pent up feelings flow?</div><div style="font-family: Noteworthy; font-size: 18px; font-weight: bold; line-height: 24px; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.296875); -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0976563); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(191, 107, 82, 0.496094); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; "><br></div><div style="font-family: Noteworthy; font-size: 18px; font-weight: bold; line-height: 24px; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.296875); -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0976563); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(191, 107, 82, 0.496094); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; ">I'll miss you much. Not a day goes by where you wouldn’t be on my mind. Through the years, you've brought out the absolute best in me.</div><div style="font-family: Noteworthy; font-size: 18px; font-weight: bold; line-height: 24px; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.296875); -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0976563); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(191, 107, 82, 0.496094); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; "><br></div><div style="font-family: Noteworthy; font-size: 18px; font-weight: bold; line-height: 24px; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.296875); -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0976563); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(191, 107, 82, 0.496094); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; ">I’ve never learned to say goodbye to you because you linger on in all of my moments. Even in the months we didn’t speak, as my eyes opened in the morning felt your presence and at night you crept into the crevices of my dreams. Could you believe that you still hold a special place in my heart after so long?</div><div style="font-family: Noteworthy; font-size: 18px; font-weight: bold; line-height: 24px; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.296875); -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0976563); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(191, 107, 82, 0.496094); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; "><br></div><div style="font-family: Noteworthy; font-size: 18px; font-weight: bold; line-height: 24px; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.296875); -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0976563); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(191, 107, 82, 0.496094); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; ">In the time when I finally decided it was time to forget you, I began to search for fragments of your being in my potential mates. I knew it was impossible to recreate something that felt so perfect, so I tried to redefine perfection. I tried once and failed horribly. I tried again and failed even more.</div><div style="font-family: Noteworthy; font-size: 18px; font-weight: bold; line-height: 24px; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.296875); -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0976563); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(191, 107, 82, 0.496094); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; "><br></div><div style="font-family: Noteworthy; font-size: 18px; font-weight: bold; line-height: 24px; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.296875); -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0976563); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(191, 107, 82, 0.496094); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; ">As I turn back to you and immerse myself in your warm glow, I wonder if I’m turning back to you just because I’m scared about those failures. I have decided it isn’t fear that has pushed me back to you, but the need to look at us again with mature eyes.</div><div style="font-family: Noteworthy; font-size: 18px; font-weight: bold; line-height: 24px; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.296875); -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0976563); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(191, 107, 82, 0.496094); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; "><br></div><div style="font-family: Noteworthy; font-size: 18px; font-weight: bold; line-height: 24px; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.296875); -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0976563); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(191, 107, 82, 0.496094); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; ">You were the first person who pulled me off the shelf and read my story. You pushed me further and asked me questions, helping me discover myself. I can argue, as corny as it sounds, it wasn’t just a simple romantic connection, but a spiritual one that had occurred when you first walked through that door. You strived, in your simple way, to lift me from the trenches of depression and show me it meant to feel cared for. You strengthened me, cherished me, and shaped me into a better person. It was when I met you that I learned what it was to smile, laugh, and love and actually mean it. You became my companion.</div><div style="font-family: Noteworthy; font-size: 18px; font-weight: bold; line-height: 24px; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.296875); -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0976563); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(191, 107, 82, 0.496094); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; "><br></div><div style="font-family: Noteworthy; font-size: 18px; font-weight: bold; line-height: 24px; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.296875); -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0976563); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(191, 107, 82, 0.496094); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; ">You also shattered me. After you left, I singlehandedly picked up the shards of my wounded self. I was restored to my previous state, but now with the knowledge of how it felt to be cared for. That newly formed dimension was now barren, and I did not i don't know how to cope. But I also learned to care for myself, and I'll be fine and be less dependent.</div><div style="font-family: Noteworthy; font-size: 18px; font-weight: bold; line-height: 24px; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.296875); -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0976563); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(191, 107, 82, 0.496094); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; "><br></div><div style="font-family: Noteworthy; font-size: 18px; font-weight: bold; line-height: 24px; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.296875); -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0976563); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(191, 107, 82, 0.496094); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; ">Now I look and wonder if I should just say goodbye and let you slip from my hands again? </div><div style="font-family: Noteworthy; font-size: 18px; font-weight: bold; line-height: 24px; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.296875); -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0976563); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(191, 107, 82, 0.496094); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; "><br></div><div style="font-family: Noteworthy; font-size: 18px; font-weight: bold; line-height: 24px; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.296875); -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0976563); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(191, 107, 82, 0.496094); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; "><br></div><br><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div>Treyshawnehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00926589357586995752noreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7900442314280784376.post-22561538527554618772014-01-09T14:44:00.001-08:002014-01-09T14:48:15.366-08:00Burning**<div style="font-family: Noteworthy; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.292969); -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0976563); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(191, 107, 82, 0.496094); "><span style="font-weight: bold; "> </span> I was sitting on the beige couch in the living room. The TV’s playing Modern Family reruns on mute. My heart beats in my chest like it’s trying to escape. I wish I could run away, myself. Disappear off the face of the earth. The dreadful conversation starts something like this:</div><div style="font-family: Noteworthy; font-size: 18px; font-weight: bold; line-height: 24px; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.296875); -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0976563); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(191, 107, 82, 0.496094); "><br></div><div style="font-family: Noteworthy; font-size: 18px; font-weight: bold; line-height: 24px; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.296875); -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0976563); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(191, 107, 82, 0.496094); ">Look, For once can't you just be merry.</div><div style="font-family: Noteworthy; font-size: 18px; font-weight: bold; line-height: 24px; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.296875); -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0976563); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(191, 107, 82, 0.496094); "><br></div><div style="font-family: Noteworthy; font-size: 18px; font-weight: bold; line-height: 24px; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.296875); -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0976563); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(191, 107, 82, 0.496094); ">I don’t understand. What do you mean?</div><div style="font-family: Noteworthy; font-size: 18px; font-weight: bold; line-height: 24px; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.296875); -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0976563); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(191, 107, 82, 0.496094); "><br></div><div style="font-family: Noteworthy; font-size: 18px; font-weight: bold; line-height: 24px; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.296875); -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0976563); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(191, 107, 82, 0.496094); ">I mean, no talk about how I give you joy and whatnot .</div><div style="font-family: Noteworthy; font-size: 18px; font-weight: bold; line-height: 24px; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.296875); -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0976563); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(191, 107, 82, 0.496094); "><br></div><div style="font-family: Noteworthy; font-size: 18px; font-weight: bold; line-height: 24px; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.296875); -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0976563); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(191, 107, 82, 0.496094); ">Just be yourself.</div><div style="font-family: Noteworthy; font-size: 18px; font-weight: bold; line-height: 24px; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.296875); -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0976563); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(191, 107, 82, 0.496094); "><br></div><div style="font-family: Noteworthy; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.292969); -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0976563); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(191, 107, 82, 0.496094); ">I was totally lost and caught off-guard, i never saw that coming, ever! That was most disturbing ... We fail to remember that Nobody’s perfect. Depression is a shape-shifting, ever-present monster. It is a monster that many battle; some slay the beast, others are swallowed whole, sacrificing life and limb to its gaping jaws, but most are stuck in an eternal stalemate, neither winning nor losing. I think I fall in this category; I've struggled with depression for years on end, often I feel like I've finally won the battle but I always face the harsh reality that I may live this way through my Life.</div><div style="font-family: Noteworthy; font-size: 18px; font-weight: bold; line-height: 24px; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.296875); -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0976563); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(191, 107, 82, 0.496094); "><br></div><div style="font-family: Noteworthy; font-size: 18px; font-weight: bold; line-height: 24px; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.296875); -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0976563); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(191, 107, 82, 0.496094); "> My depression took the form of a dense gray fog, obscuring all of my senses and causing me to heave and choke, unable to catch my breath. It was a python as thick as a tree, squeezing the life out of me, tightening with every move I made. It was a cancer in every one of my cells; a dull ache that couldn’t be numbed. It was every one of my worst fears realized, ready to pounce as soon as I woke every morning from night after night of restless, soul consuming insomnia paradoxically paired with bone-deep exhaustion. It wasn’t poetic, it was dirty and lonely ,terrifying and full of tears no one could hear. It was the knowledge that the monster couldn’t get to me, that the pain would stop if I just died. But despite all of my imagery, it was not poetic. It was not lyrical. It wasn’t a heroic effort to maintain a grip on reality or sanity. It was a quest to conquer the monster and stay alive. </div><div style="font-family: Noteworthy; font-size: 18px; font-weight: bold; line-height: 24px; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.296875); -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0976563); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(191, 107, 82, 0.496094); "><br></div><div style="font-family: Noteworthy; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.292969); -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0976563); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(191, 107, 82, 0.496094); ">I was prescribed anti-depressant after anti-depressant, each one worse than the last. They obliterated any ability to feel anything, leaving a black void that let the suicidal thoughts come screaming to the forefront of my mind, without anything to distract me. I swallowed five sleeping pills, and woke up the next morning not knowing whether to be relieved or disappointed. I was taken off the drugs after.</div><div style="font-family: Noteworthy; font-size: 18px; font-weight: bold; line-height: 24px; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.296875); -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0976563); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(191, 107, 82, 0.496094); "><br></div><div style="font-family: Noteworthy; font-size: 18px; line-height: 24px; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.292969); -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0976563); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(191, 107, 82, 0.496094); "><span style="font-weight: bold; ">By far the worst part of depression wass the response from people without depression. I wanted to scream at everyone who told me to “just smile” or “try talking to someone.” Everyone was always trying to fix me. I didn’t need fixing. I needed someone who cared enough to hold me until I could breathe. I needed someone to talk to and trust me to be able to fight this monster. Im well aware this monster may be bigger and stronger and smarter than me, but keeping it at bay is possible. </span><b>I'm sure I'll live through this though** </b></div><div style="font-family: Noteworthy; font-size: 18px; font-weight: bold; line-height: 24px; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.296875); -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0976563); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(191, 107, 82, 0.496094); "><br></div><div style="font-family: Noteworthy; font-size: 18px; font-weight: bold; line-height: 24px; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.296875); -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0976563); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(191, 107, 82, 0.496094); "> Thanks for Reading…</div><div style="font-family: Noteworthy; font-size: 18px; font-weight: bold; line-height: 24px; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.296875); -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0976563); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(191, 107, 82, 0.496094); "><br></div>Treyshawnehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00926589357586995752noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7900442314280784376.post-31303311033508541142013-12-09T01:04:00.000-08:002013-12-09T01:04:06.403-08:00Labyrinthus Illuminabit**<b> It was a july morning, and I was getting ready for my morning activities, when I got the text – was it a text or a call? I can’t remember anymore – from my Ex telling me that Alex had passed on. Of course, she did believe me now. I woke in the middle of the night, afraid, talking nonsense; Why on Earth did I dream about him lying in coffin a week or 2 weeks before he passed ? I was in denial. </b> <br />
<br />
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"> </span><span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">I remember that summer when I told my Ex that morning she was tired and in the state of suspended disbelief. I remember yelling and crying, and I remember </span><span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">when I went to bed, my heart raced like i was gonna give up. I remember not being able to sleep. I remember afterwards, thinking I had ESP or some other psychic connection to Alex and the other victims of my unruly dreams. And I remember going downstairs to get a drink of water, and then losing total appetite. I remember finding the note i wrote of all the victims and I remember panicking and blaming myself and waking up to tell her. <b><span style="color: #e69138;">I remember trying to totally dissociate myself from reality in a damning quest to understand myself more.</span></b></span><span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><b><span style="color: #e69138;"> My life had become an elaborate labyrinth, so twisted that I could barely fathom or come to term with; having transcended from the ordinary to who I am presently. </span></b> </span><br />
<br />
I had to pray and read some books to understand why it was so hard to bear the loss. And it eventually hit me. We don’t mourn what we lose, we mourn what part of us dies because we can’t see ourselves in the context of that thing anymore. We lose a job, a partner, control, sanity, love and we feel as though we are suddenly incapable because we’re always relying on something else to make us feel that way. We’re scared that we’ve lost yet another thing that confirms we aren’t failures, another person who could have infused us with just a little more hope. We’re distraught over the fact that there isn’t another, It’s rarely about the thing or person, it’s about us. Because we don’t want to exist unless we’re wanted.<br />
<br />
(And yes, the headline is from the Mary Lambert song.)<br />
<br />
We have people murdering each other and slowly killing themselves with every meal they purge and wrist they slit and slating themselves against others because they don’t agree with them and inflicting torture on each other and themselves because we’ve been convinced that the only way to attain ideal existence is to either tear ourselves down or beat ourselves up until we’re finally what we “should” be– no matter what it takes to get there. <b>It’s was not an issue of culture or of gender or of society anymore, those issues are all symptoms of the fact that it was an issue of my humanity, and just how out of touch with it I was. Thanks for reading ! 😊😊😊</b><br />
<br />
<br />Treyshawnehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00926589357586995752noreply@blogger.com14tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7900442314280784376.post-44250821896382876512013-10-26T05:57:00.000-07:002013-10-26T05:57:18.703-07:00Dark Complexity... <b> I don’t want to be this person. No one does.</b> No one wants to admit that
they are unable to move past something which happened so long ago that
not even the most hopeless romantic would justify it. I know when I’m
being pathetic, and letting something eat me from inside like a rotten
tooth, and I don’t like it any more than I’m sure other people like to
be around it. I know that people are holding their breath, waiting for
me to make a scene. <span style="color: red;">I know that everyone thinks I should have gotten
over it. I hate being him, <strike>but its who I am.</strike><br />
</span><br />
Part of me wants to ask you to let me go, even though I know how
ridiculous that is. I'm almost always livid towards everything around
me. If I really think about it, I understand that you are not
intentionally stringing me along or periodically giving me false hope
for something we might have in the future. You’re probably no longer a
part of my life, and you don’t even acknowledge me. As much as it pains
me to admit, you likely don’t think about me. Your days probably turn
into months without ever fondly looking back on the time we spent all
day talking with our fingers laced. <b>Those memories don’t exist for you —
or, at least, not in a way you have to acknowledge. You can store them
away for a rainy day when you want to think about something sweet and
forgotten. I have to live with these memories, constantly and reminding
me that they are everywhere I go.</b><br />
<br />
I know that it’s not your fault. But I want to let go. I want to walk
away from what we had and make every day a conscious step towards
something more positive, something where I don’t factor someone into my
life who no longer cares about me. I want to be brave in a way I always
used to be, but haven’t been for some time. I want to return to the me
who laughs at everything the loudest and is always up to try something
new. I miss me, and at times have almost forgotten who I am. Part of me
believes that the moment I truly let you go will be the moment I get me
back — that you are, in a way, crowding my life and preventing me from
living fully. But I know that it’s not a step you can take for me.<br />
<br /> <span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="color: red;"><b>
I love you more now than I ever did, I think. And I know that part of
this must be because I cannot have you (at least I think so), and things
are always heightened with desire and longing. But I don’t know how to
pretend that I don’t still burn for you the way I did when I was allowed
to express it, if not more intensely.</b></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;"> Please know that If I stop reaching out. If i stop making a fool of myself. If i stop being this person that I never wanted to be. I am working every day on making my life something beautiful and fresh and interesting, something that has nothing to do with you. I hold nothing against you — even if I wish I could, even if that would make everything so much easier — but I know I can’t be around you. I’m working up the courage to phase you out of my life (and my mind) completely, so that one day, I’d just run into you at a supermarket and have a nice little chat about what we’ve been up to, then go about my day as if nothing happened. But right now, I know that I couldn’t. I know that seeing you unexpectedly would destroy me. One day, I will get there, though. I’ll be me again, and I’ll have forgotten this brief interlude of sorrow. I hope you meet me when I’m that person, so you can forget who I am today.</span>Treyshawnehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00926589357586995752noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7900442314280784376.post-33970547451779810952013-10-03T11:09:00.001-07:002013-10-05T08:57:01.600-07:00History **<br />
<div style="text-align: left;">
<div style="text-align: right;">
<br />
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="color: red;"><b>There’s a strange feeling that sometimes overcomes us when we’re reaching out to someone, this feeling of acute embarrassment. “Are we bothering them?” we ask ourselves, and almost wanting to apologize for even sending a message in the first place. It’s as though our very presence in their lives is a nuisance, and our efforts to connect as friends or lovers is one that only complicates things for them. We want to say, “I’m sorry that I want to talk to you, it’s weird and I should probably stop.</b></span> </span></span><br />
<br />
The thing is, you can feel when you’re bothering someone. It’s not difficult to tell when you are the one who is always reaching out, always initiating contact, always starting the conversation. You realize in a way that is at once terribly humiliating and almost masochistically sweet that you are the one chasing after them. When they grant you with their reciprocity, with their attention — nothing feels better. But most times you are left sending a message that you immediately regret, because you know that it only puts one more tally-mark in the “you need them, and not they need you” column.</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
There are few things more painful than feeling like you’re constantly going out of your way for someone who is, at best, mildly amused by your affection. It’s hard to explain the feeling of disappointment exactly, but it’s mostly directed towards yourself.<span style="color: red;"><b> You can tell when you send them a good-morning text message, or call them, or take the time to do something for them that you know they’ll barely appreciate — this isn’t going to be reciprocated. This isn’t going to be really appreciated. Blimey, it may not even be noticed. But you can’t stop yourself. It’s just a sad, universal truth that there are people we love a lot who don’t really love us back. Whether platonic or romantic (or even, sadly enough, familial) there are always going to be these uneven relationships in which one person is constantly left feeling as though their emotions and their desires are mild irritants that trigger abrupt reactions.</b></span><br />
<br />
There are going to be friends we go out of our way for who never quite acknowledge us in return, who will never be there to listen to our problems, who wont cancel outing with others just to see you, and those who will never drive out in the middle of the night to pick us up when we’re in trouble — no matter how much we do these things for them. There certainly are going to be lovers with whom we long to construct an entire relationship, but with whom we will always feel stuck at the frustrating “beginner phase” where no exchanges go beyond the superficial. It just happens.<br />
<br />
The most difficult thing, it seems, is being able to admit when your love is going nowhere. Speaking personally, I have watched as more than one friendship proved themselves to be entirely one-sided, when my attempts to connect with the person <b>(even on social media apps like sending BBM)</b>, were proving increasingly pathetic. I was just way more into them than they were into me, and there is always a certain amount of pain in admitting that. You don’t want to confront this person and tell them, “Well hello, look at all of these nice things I do and efforts I make for you, and you don’t do any of these things in return,” because it is a sad thing to do.</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
It’s sad because the heart is hard to translate, It has a language of its own, which you can't always understand or interpret accurately. The truth is as much as you feel entitled to ah lot, actually they don’t owe you their friendship or their love. They don’t owe you the same kind of relationship you desire from them. You can’t insist, through repeated action, that someone is now indebted to you because you have proven that you are worth something indelible. We make the choice to keep giving our attention and love to someone who has clearly demonstrated that they don’t want it, and it is always their choice to make if they one day decide they want to start reciprocating.<br />
<br />
<b>But to break the cycle and force yourself to stop initiating contact, to stop making effort, and to stop caring about their response — that is much harder.</b> That means admitting that you have lost a battle <span style="color: red;"><b>you didn’t even want to acknowledge you were fighting</b></span>. But when we’re trying to get someone to love us back, it’s always a battle. <span style="color: red;"><u><b>And it’s one we’re almost always guaranteed to lose.</b></u></span></div>
</div>
</div>
Treyshawnehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00926589357586995752noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7900442314280784376.post-29687902398226523902013-08-30T05:01:00.000-07:002013-08-30T05:01:37.284-07:00Strength & Goodbyes**<br />
I am unsure of how to begin this letter. Most of our conversations
are never words, rather actions: a smile between note-taking; looking at
each other over cups, your coffee clutched in jittery hands and my earl
grey whispering steam; a tug at the corner of your shirt to pull you
back from the oncoming traffic while walking. The few words we do
exchange are formal. Hello. How’s Your Day Been Going. What Time Is It.
To the world we are strangers accidentally drawn to each other by an
inexplicable gravitational pull that keeps us joined at the hip, yet
completely autonomous.<br />
<br />
<b>Perhaps I should replace “are” with “were” because our silent
exchanges only ever occurred in the past tense. Now you are far away,
too far to touch, to feel. I too, am far; too far to read the Braille of
your face, or to analyze the clenching and unclenching of your tired
fingers to know what you are thinking. I compromise with pictures
constructed from pixels; each click of the mouse to move to the next is
indistinguishable from the ticking of the clock behind me. Each click is
a second becomes a minute becomes a couple of minutes becomes an hour
of playing mind games with the photo gallery of a social network. One
clue here, another clue there. Go on, piece together the happenings of our days like a fucking jigsaw. Press your face close enough to the
screen and everything blurs together. Pull back and it’s still blurry
and why am i crying, stop crying. Stop.</b><br />
<br />
Tell me, what does it take for you to recognize all that is not right
for you? What can I do, to the fullest of my pathetic human ability, to
save you? Save you from the people you think you need to fall asleep,
the ones who you think cleared your lungs of the tar of your ill-wishes
and silent curses? I sit in bed, still as death, save for my mouth
forming the words Those Who Are Good To You Are Not Always Good For You.<br />
Oh, there you are again, on the other end of this invisible wire, the
lines that run from the galaxies down to our city, connecting us as friends and used up minutes. And here I am, chanting my HU's to
your deaf ears, the listening vessels that are ringing with a voice you
think is better than a hymn. Because Hymns Never Lead Me To Salvation, I
know you want to tell me. Neither Did This, I want to say back. But you
are cracked and chipped and you think this false hymn is your seal, the
last stop on the road to fixing yourself. It is not the last stop. It
can’t be. <strike><u><b>Love can only go so far.</b></u></strike><br />
<br />
Alas, Best Friend, I came here with the unfamiliarity of words. This
bulky, unwelcome present is yours to keep. May this present never
collect dust. May you keep polishing this present, that is, my prayers
and advice till they’ve been worn down to create a groove where your
heart fits perfectly. <b><span style="color: red;">They say ' One smile starts a friendship, One word, end a fight , One look, save a relationship and finally one person, change our lives. i know you changed me likewise i did you too , but in the end it objectively comes to this Bye.</span></b><br />
<br />
Treyshawnehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00926589357586995752noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7900442314280784376.post-28567144036135747022013-08-22T03:56:00.000-07:002013-08-22T03:56:12.103-07:00I AM ADDICTED TO CUTTING MYSELF**<div style="text-align: left;">
<b>Some call it crazy<br />
Some say it’s sick<br />
But I think it’s freedom<br />
The pain is fierce but quick<br />
Some say that it’s a sin</b></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<b><br />
Just a little to risqué<br />
But it helps release the pain<br />
That I go through every day<br />
The blade is sharp and cold<br />
As it runs across my skin<br />
Leaving me to ponder</b></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEisgiPIpaBcEkYGEMl6YALgVXZa46rjOo6P9SeNod4-i-HGACh-6JxOYygPA7kvGBv9JKRx1NL2UEvUV7GETfY5tWuSK2mPxt3uptfrvdB4xuFV9dqQ-MkM2pkS2TxgJa-PMHlSGyMKdkE/s1600/pls.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEisgiPIpaBcEkYGEMl6YALgVXZa46rjOo6P9SeNod4-i-HGACh-6JxOYygPA7kvGBv9JKRx1NL2UEvUV7GETfY5tWuSK2mPxt3uptfrvdB4xuFV9dqQ-MkM2pkS2TxgJa-PMHlSGyMKdkE/s1600/pls.jpg" height="153" width="200" /></a><b><br />
And decide how deep I cut in<br />
The icy chill running down my spine<br />
Makes me feel at ease<br />
I no longer feel like a coward<br />
F**king up on everything with every breath I breathe</b></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<b><br />
But some days I want to stop<br />
Feeling like everything's wrong<br />
Trying to let go of the blade<br />
Sometimes I can but not for long<br />
It’s like I'm addicted to the pain<br />
The feeling taking refuge in my veins<br />
Leaving me feeling confused and alone</b></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<b><br />
Wiping at the streaked tears that seem to be stained<br />
Burned into my skin forever<br />
Becoming a part that I cannot escape<br />
Sometimes I just want to hurt all over<br />
To scream at the top of my lungs until they break</b></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjF4xMlNAtDRrJml5HwbF44LUFjbunxQdxwWgmeZWjwCCLkrPNciUH_cEfN_R8l4cx9KDhDtBtjksB4EtKsghSLP4OGZ7_mBGwl3wE5RCSuBsCxQCCmXYJaTqMKR5ZGH4f2jc3ENn7bo5k/s1600/help.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjF4xMlNAtDRrJml5HwbF44LUFjbunxQdxwWgmeZWjwCCLkrPNciUH_cEfN_R8l4cx9KDhDtBtjksB4EtKsghSLP4OGZ7_mBGwl3wE5RCSuBsCxQCCmXYJaTqMKR5ZGH4f2jc3ENn7bo5k/s1600/help.jpg" height="200" width="136" /></a><b><br />
I want to escape from my sadness<br />
It’s taking over me<br />
Why can’t I just rest<br />
Why won’t it let me be<br />
I just want to be free.</b></div>
Treyshawnehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00926589357586995752noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7900442314280784376.post-3302385286967356412013-07-17T06:37:00.000-07:002013-07-17T06:37:21.853-07:00IF ***<span itemscope="" itemtype="http://schema.org/CreativeWork">If I had you<br />Would my pain cease, will I be able to smile? <br />If I had you<br />Would this nightmare end, will I finally be alive? <br />If I had you<br />Would I be able to love again, would you be able to love again too? <br />If I had you<br />Would this darkness finally dissapear? <br />If I had you<br />Would you finally be able to remove your mask? <br />If I had you<br />Would I finally have the courage to tell the whole world how I really feel? <br />If I had you<br />Would my heart finally be one again? <br />If I had you<br />Would you finally be able to understand my hell? <br />If I had you<br />Would you be able to tell me all your fears? <br />If I had you<br />Would I be able to catch all your tears<br />If I had you<br />Would all my wishes come true? <br />If I had you<br />Would I be enough for you? <br />If I had you<br />Would the flame in my heart turn blue? <br />If I had you<br />Would you be the one to save me and give me your hand? <br />If I had you<br />Would I be the one you can finally understand and relate to? <br />If I had you <br />Would you be able to tell me all your secrets? <br /><br />If I had you<br />I would promise to love you till my death.<br />If I had you<br />I would promise never to break you.<br />If I had you<br />I would promise to hold you when you feel torn apart.<br />If only I had you, I would be able to show you who I am<br />Maybe if I had you, <span style="color: red;"><strike><b>I wouldn't feel so dead..</b></strike></span></span>Treyshawnehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00926589357586995752noreply@blogger.com0Abuja, Nigeria9.066666699999999 7.4833333000000266-21.5199158 -33.825260699999973 39.6532492 48.791927300000026tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7900442314280784376.post-6618841055577374942013-07-17T06:30:00.005-07:002013-07-17T06:30:59.090-07:00LOST SOUL*<span style="font-family: times new roman;">As i lays wondering…<br />hidden behind the cardboard,<br />is it a dream, who are these people?<br />mother to the left, beaten,<br />to her right, father with a bullet<br />blood flowing from his hand,<br /> </span><br />
<span style="font-family: times new roman;">I lay petrified…<br />still can’t move,<br />eyes of evil, are you the devil?<br />mother’s looking at me<br />yet oddly the radio plays her favorite tune,<br />mother cries and father dies<br />the evil men with their evil eyes<br />laughing, guided by someone’s lies</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: times new roman;"><b>I lay bewildered…<br />too young to comprehend,<br />civil war rages brother versus brother,<br />isn’t life enough of a struggle?<br />mother, with her last breath<br />signals for her to be silent</b><br /> </span><br />
<span style="color: red;"><b><span style="font-family: times new roman;">I lay praying…<br />wondering why He’s not watching,<br />she must choose either to lay quiet<br />or join her family in inevitable death,<br />inhaling the stench of sweat<br />of evil and of blood,<br />she decides…</span></b></span>Treyshawnehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00926589357586995752noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7900442314280784376.post-34875675714147543522013-07-15T12:27:00.001-07:002013-07-15T12:27:49.882-07:00RACISM **<div id="content-header">
<h1 class="page-title title">
<em></em>Note: Please note that events may have changed since this story was written.
</h1>
</div>
<em></em>The empty space left by the death of a young person seems
somehow larger—perhaps because we sense not only the absence of who he was, but
also of who he could have become. This emptiness can engulf an entire
community, even a nation, when the death is unjust.<br />
<br />
On Feb. 26, Trayvon Martin, a 17-year-old African-American
high school student, <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/news/trayvon-martin" target="_blank">was fatally shot on his way home from the convenience
store</a>. He carried a package of Skittles and an iced tea. He had no weapons. His
killer, George Zimmerman (a neighborhood watch member more than 100 pounds
heavier than Trayvon and armed with a semi-automatic pistol) still has not been
arrested because he claims he shot Trayvon in self-defense.<br />
<br />
Evidence of misconduct has clouded the case: an officer told
a witness her story was incorrect. Police did not test Zimmerman for drugs or
alcohol when they arrived on the scene. Tapes of a 911 operator telling Zimmerman
not to pursue Trayvon were withheld from the public.<br />
We must ask ourselves—Why would police take the word of a
man holding a pistol over the body of a boy? Why would a witness’ story be
changed? Why is 13-year-old Austin, an African-American neighbor, afraid he
will be stereotyped by neighborhood watch members and police just as Martin
was?<br />
Some of these questions will be answered by investigators.
Other questions—the deeper, more disturbing ones that ask about equality and
intolerance—must be answered within our classrooms and our courtrooms. These dark
questions have grown from our living rooms and our televisions. Their very
existence attests that we, as a nation, are failing our Trayvon Martins.<br />
<br />
A recent <a href="http://www2.ed.gov/about/offices/list/ocr/docs/crdc-2012-data-summary.pdf" target="_blank">study</a> by the Office for Civil Rights shows
that the percentage of young black men suspended from school (as Martin was) is
far greater than that of their peers. Another <a href="http://www.sentencingproject.org/doc/publications/rd_crisisoftheyoung.pdf" target="_blank">study</a>, by The Sentencing
Project, examines vastly disproportionate rates of incarceration for
African-American men. We should be asking ourselves why these disparities
exist.<br />
<br />
Trayvon Martin was not a victim of Zimmerman alone. He was a
victim of the lopsided school system that suspended him. He was a victim of a
police force that assumes first that <a href="http://www.newjimcrow.com/" target="_blank">young black men are guilty</a>. He was
a victim of legislation, like <a href="http://www.leg.state.fl.us/statutes/index.cfm?App_mode=Display_Statute&Search_String=&URL=0700-0799/0776/Sections/0776.013.html" target="_blank">Florida’s Stand Your Ground law</a>, that
gives citizens the unfettered right to kill if they feel threatened in any way.<br />
<br />
Tomorrow, look around your classroom. Do you have any
Trayvon Martins? As an educator, you have the power to stave off the emptiness
of Trayvon’s death. Talk to your students about racism. Question legislation
that endorses vigilantism. <a href="http://www.change.org/petitions/prosecute-the-killer-of-our-son-17-year-old-trayvon-martin" target="_blank">Speak up against police inaction</a>. Champion
your students’ rights.<br />
<br />
Nothing will fully fill the void Zimmerman created in the
lives of Trayvon’s family, friends and teachers. But Trayvon’s empty desk can
become a symbol of awareness and change—a sign to our society that the current
state of affairs is not acceptable. <br />
<br />
<span style="color: red;">In all fairness, it's quite possible that Zimmerman is guilty of everything his
worst foes accuse him of. There is plenty about this case that troubles
me.</span> But that's exactly the point – I don't know. Neither does anyone
else, and both the scope and tone of the media coverage ought to reflect
that fact.Treyshawnehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00926589357586995752noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7900442314280784376.post-51603751462195593562013-01-12T10:50:00.001-08:002013-10-05T09:22:51.876-07:00MY DARKEST DAY**<br />
My eyes plead for rest, but where I come from;<span style="color: red;"><b> Dreaming means Death. Dreaming means the end</b></span>. I promised myself that I wouldn’t let go but the pain and Agony kept on haunting. The flashing memories in my head. <span style="color: #0c343d;">All I wanted was the fastest yet painless way to rest</span>, for finally it was time to <span style="color: red;"><b>DREAM.</b></span> <br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>And I felt chills everywhere around me, lips were blue but I asked myself; why I was actually doing it? , I felt the floor beneath me, like a pillow under my head, no knives, couldn’t afford a gun but at least pills were cheap and definitely all I needed. I stared at the bottles I had ingested, I still thought to myself if this was right & why I was doing it. </b><br />
<br />
<br />
When the effects were in full force, all I felt asides the pain was a cold warmth, like my spirit was beneath the deep crest of a wave, I felt Free, for once I felt so happy whilst enduring pain, finally I had seen the much anticipated Light, Finally my mind & Heart were never going to mess with me again. My poisonous smile had taken over & finally I had gained my freedom from the shackles of <span style="color: red;">LIFE</span>. <b><span style="color: #0b5394;">The Joy I felt was like an Ocean of pure Light. </span></b><br />
<br />
<br />
As I reminisced on the <span style="color: #cc0000;"><b>Endless memories of my Glory days</b></span>, I thought to myself again – what if I was actually ruined by those who created me? ,<b> I saw <span style="color: red;">Darkness</span></b>, I loved it and followed it and the only way left from darkness was Down, I never cursed gravity neither did I blame anyone for my fall cos my Life was mine and whatever decision I made was mine , so why blame it on another. Besides<b><span style="color: #38761d;"> God</span></b> knows it wasn’t a fall at all, rather an <b><span style="color: red;">ASCENSION</span></b> like no other – <b><span style="color: blue;">Above all Things</span>. </b><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
This was an experience I begged for; I wanted the End even when I knew it wasn’t coming. Luckily I almost got that which I wanted, I found out there actually was <span style="color: red;">‘NO’</span> end to this <span style="color: red;">Miserable</span> life I Lived. I was saved by a couple of people (<span style="color: red;">Neighbours</span>) who heard my subtle screams. On a normal day, I really wouldn’t expect them to care one bit but they actually reacted to my screams and for once I really felt like someone cared about my well-being. All I heard before I blacked out were prayers and eventually I woke up in a pharmacy some blocks away. I was<span style="color: red;"> SAVED</span> and really it sucked then though. <br />
<br />
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When it was all over, I was bombarded with questions on the evil I wanted to commit, I was lost though but I remember I asked myself all through the ordeal, if I was making the right decision but all I heard was <b><span style="color: red;">“YES”</span></b>. Someone even called me an<b> <span style="color: red;">Evil, Confused & Angry</span> </b>child but that’s what I really was, quite alright. I overreact, and my conscience is dead plus I am too spontaneous and volatile but that’s who I am though. <br />
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<span style="color: #674ea7;"><b>I honestly regret the day when my Life almost stopped ticking cos of my dark twisted thoughts, agony and weakness. </b></span><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>Here is some international suicide Hotlines; </b><u><b><br /></b></u><br />
<br />
<br />
<b>Ghana Suicide Hotline</b> - +2332- 444- 71279 <br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>UK & Irish Suicide Hotlines</b> - +44- 101- 8457 <br />
<br />
+1850- 60 -9090 <br />
<br />
+1850- 60 -9091 <br />
<br />
<b>Websites in Ireland</b>; <a href="http://www.samaritans.org/">www.samaritans.org</a> <br />
<br />
<b>Email Helpline</b>; <a href="mailto:jo@smaritans.org">jo@smaritans.org</a> (24 Hours service) <br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>Namibia Suicide Hotline</b>; <a href="http://www.lifeline.org.za/namibia.htm">www.Lifeline.org.za/namibia.htm</a> <br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>Netherlands Suicide Hotline</b>; 0602 – 222 – 88 <br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>South Africa’s Suicide Hotlines</b>; 051 – 444 – 5691 <br />
<br />
+27 (0) 51 532 1100 <br />
<br />
+27 (0) 21 371 1481 <br />
<br />
+27 (0) 41 922 0068 <br />
<br />
<b>Websites in S.A</b>; <span style="color: red;"><a href="http://www.lifeline.org.za/">www.lifeline.org.za</a> </span><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>U.S Suicide Hotlines</b>; +1-800-784-2433 <br />
<br />
+1-800-273-8255 <br />
<br />
+1-800-799-4889 <br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
These are few Hotlines I could write down, but if you need to see more preferably for your country, then visit “<a href="http://www.suicide.org/international">www.suicide.org/international</a>” or “<a href="http://www.suicidehotlines.com/international">www.suicidehotlines.com/international</a>” then choose your country’s Hotline. <br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="color: lime;">Note*</span>; <b><span style="color: #274e13;">Nigeria</span></b> has no suicide Hotline but you could visit “<span style="color: red;"><b>www.Befrienders.org</b></span>” if you’re in Nigeria and need help. <br />
<br />
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Finally Readers,<b> <span style="color: red;">SUICIDE</span></b> has never been, will never be and must never be an<span style="color: red;"><b> OPTION</b></span>, staying is also a way to<span style="color: red;"><b> SURVIVE</b> </span>through whatever ordeal you’re going through. Honestly I bet you don’t want to say you were powerless over something you would have triumphed over. <b><span style="color: #0b5394;">We’ve all experienced unimaginable sorrow & pain</span></b> and sometimes we feel this Life isn’t enough or worth it, but truly nothing surpasses <b><span style="color: #cc0000;">LIFE</span></b>. For the former <b><span style="color: magenta;">(Sorrow, pain, and co)</span></b> will pass and sooner you’ll be as happy as you’ve always wanted or have been.<span style="color: #cc0000;"><b> S<span style="color: black;">O VALUE</span> LIFE</b></span>. <span style="color: red;"> <b>#StayAlive #SayNoToSUICIDE #WeLoveYou </b></span><br />
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<br />Treyshawnehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00926589357586995752noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7900442314280784376.post-52157496158972301382012-12-13T08:06:00.000-08:002012-12-13T08:10:19.405-08:00Breath Of Fresh Air **<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; font-size: small;"><b><br /><br /><br /> Maybe the Universe hates me – I said to myself, been ignoring all these & I know I shouldn’t be crying though but something is actually missing, that feeling you get from being Alone and Empty, after giving all but still “ No one Appreciates”, I wish I could figure out why? <br /><br /><br /> I went<span style="color: red;"> 375 miles</span> just to see a couple of peeps but as luck would have it, as usual I was actually given countless excuses, I felt very rejected , Like an outcast -Alone but that’s a feeling I’m far too familiar with…I wish I could just forget all, God knows how & why it all turned this sour! <br /><br /><br /> As if that wasn’t enough,<span style="color: blue;"> I met someone I’ve had a crush on like forever but I never believed in sharing my feelings cos I didn’t want to seem desperate like I was in a hurry to get into something or anything but I wanted to remain logical cos judging from the statistics of my ex-relationships (None had done better than my First), God knows I try my best but nothing stands the test of time with me.. The only person who mattered a Lot to me left me after I gave that one Entity the best years of my Life & the years went as fast as a wink, since then I never actually felt Trust for anyone or Entity asides me, I barely trust myself cos I even get evasive with my subconscious…. </span><br /><br /> I’m disturbed by a lot of things cos actually I don’t know why I attach feelings to things that actually aren’t supposed to be ….. I think I found the one, asides the whole trust issues and all, I still feel good around this entity, at least in a long time – I haven’t had this much fun or felt this much excitement just cos of some entity’s presence, but this particularly feels so Right, at the same time there actually is a problem – I don’t think it can be or rather I know it can’t work actually cos we are very different people, we come from separate worlds…. <br /><br /><br /> When I first met this person, Lord knows I had so much Butterflies in my belly that I almost felt sick but I put my acts together, I felt this crazy aura around this one entity which only existed between I and my Ex (The first), when we got talking – we had so much in common that I actually prayed that God intervene and change this person on my behalf but I think God knows best why we aren’t together…. <br /><br /><br /> From the moment we meet and had our first shabby date LOL, Lord knows I lost myself in time just thinking of that moment and also totally found myself, I instantly fell back in Love with almost everything I’d lost interest in, that’s the more reason I felt something could emerge from all these , Never thought I’d have fallen this hard for someone, but as time passed , I knew very well that we were just living in that particular moment, that it was going to fade the moment we left the Arena, Nevertheless I strive to make something outta nothing ….. <br /><br /><br /> <span style="background-color: red;"><span style="background-color: white;">The chemistry we had was just indescribable, I felt I had found Perfection & it was putting me in the Right direction already, I swore that if it would have worked between us, I would have given all my affection cos I had finally found & created my Love persona in this Entity</span><span style="background-color: #f3f3f3;">! </span></span><br /><br /><br /><br /> <span style="color: red;"> But funny enough, I was the broken one, never really showed my emotions, I controlled myself, I never channeled my emotions to help out .Teardrops dripped down my face when I was on the coach back to school cos I felt the bittersweet taste of Love, but I’d still stand and swear down anywhere/any day that “It was by far the Best time I’ve had since the Beginning of my Existence” though I never got anything I wanted but I think I did it all for Love ….</span> <br /><br /><br /><br /> I wish I lived in that Moment for a while longer cos still I’m determined & <span style="color: red;"><strike>prepared to die in the moment</strike></span> though. I wish I tried to show anything cos they actually say “Trying is an Action” but I didn’t try though,<span style="color: red;"> so I’ll keep following the plunging Aroma of Hope which keeps me going…… </span><br /></b></span></div>
Treyshawnehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00926589357586995752noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7900442314280784376.post-74928323383976310792012-11-01T10:35:00.001-07:002012-11-01T10:35:12.884-07:00SAVE A CHILD TODAY!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgiucHk_kV_1tSM31RfhqeroMfbruEcRyqEcrhhFh-Xu8qtcukhBBJ0K1qFvxy_Tl4Gho0_l55sc6iUtPlMcsDq0kNDrXqGoMFagjfunszHocfuSkNkMDOEEi7nRPUXuSacHoAyUyYojPY/s1600/image.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgiucHk_kV_1tSM31RfhqeroMfbruEcRyqEcrhhFh-Xu8qtcukhBBJ0K1qFvxy_Tl4Gho0_l55sc6iUtPlMcsDq0kNDrXqGoMFagjfunszHocfuSkNkMDOEEi7nRPUXuSacHoAyUyYojPY/s1600/image.jpg" height="46" width="320" /></a></div>
<br /><b>"A child dies every 4 secs needlessly & 22,000 children die everyday"</b> this appalling statistics actually shook me, i was scared and also heartbroken, i can only imagine how much we can do to change this daunting statistics, i believe in a world where children can live proper and prosperous lives. <br /><br />Its surprising that at least £<b>20 a month (67pence a day)</b> can go a long way into making a child happy ,it will definitely also show love and care to children who have nothing and no-one , With this i went searching for credible charity organizations but there was actually this particular one which scored a very high rating on my list - they actually had branches around the world, they also worked with <b>45 countries across Africa including conflict zones in countries such as Zimbabwe, the DR of Congo and Somalia & they have enough thoughtful & experienced workers on ground. </b><br /><b>I actually love this organization (SOS CHILDREN) cos their vision is to create "a Loving home for children" which is remarkable and through the years they've managed to carve a niche for themselves. Definitely it has actually payed off cos they are the world’s largest orphan and abandoned children’s charity. SOS children currently run 518 of these unique SOS Children’s Villages, and 392 Youth Homes, caring directly for more than 78,000 children in 125 countries worldwide, they built and run 415 Nurseries and Schools which provide 132,422 children with a quality education. The schools are open to children in their care and to those from the wider community. 103 SOS Vocational and Staff Training Centers were created to provide new skills and practical training to 26,254 young people and adults, giving them a route to long-term success. </b><br /><br /> <br /><br /><b>In areas where medical support is scarce or non-existent, they built SOS Medical Centers which provide communities with immediate medical treatment and preventative and palliative care. SOS children currently run 72 SOS Medical Centers providing treatments and counseling to 455,607 patients, also they offer real child sponsorship, the way we all think it should be. No wonder When the Dalai Lama said that they were "a charity where deeds speak louder than words" doubtless he knew there are lots of ways to choose a particular charity, so definitely this should be the best organization to sponsor or donate into. </b><br /><br />As Sponsors and donors you help children whose parents are not there for them. They may be AIDS orphans, street children, child soldiers or children orphaned by war, poverty or natural disasters; they give these children a mother and a family in a home within an SOS Children’s Village. All the donations pay to build the Villages and run them until child sponsors cover the running costs. Where family life is at risk (for example where parents in Africa have AIDS), SOS children run programmes to help strengthen families and keep them together. However, they don't just provide care for children in SOS Villages, but play an important role in supporting the development and sustainability of their local communities. They invest in the futures of thousands of children in the SOS communities, making sure they have the tools they need to become independent young adults, It gets better. <br /><br /> <br /><br />More reason's to work with this organization; <br /><br />* Children get 100% care (Home, School, Medicals, and Food) <br /><br />*Anyone can visit or write to the organization <br /><br />*Sponsors can send small extra gifts into savings accounts for birthdays <br /><br />*Sponsors also get updates <br /><br />*Sponsorship isn't spent only on UK admin, it actually is spent on <br /><br /> care for children worldwide. <br /><br /> <br /><br />If you would like more of an idea of what is involved, why not read Sponsor/Child Testimonials or phone us up for a chat? They will explain how sponsorship works in practice and answer particular questions. <br /><br />When you complete the forms online you can fill in instructions in the form or request that we contact you. At any given time you can choose to sponsor children in most of our 518 Villages, and in almost all of the 125 countries where we help children, They also can guide you where the current need is greatest. You can state preferences on the age etc. of the child you would prefer. <br /><br />If you have visited one of our projects and know the name of a particular child, they'll try to accommodate you. If your circumstances change at any time, you are free to cancel your direct debit. All payments for sponsorship are covered by the direct debit guarantee. <br /><br />I desperately urge Readers to please "Sponsor or Donate" , they need your help and do help if you can, you could also help this movement by (Re-blogging, Liking, Tweeting & Sharing) this . <br /><br /> *Remember a charity like SOS when you are thinking of giving to a good cause. <br /><br /> <br /><br />You could contact this Organization via the various ways; <br /><br /><b>If you are in the UK around Cambridge you are always welcome to drop in. <br /><br />Contact them at: <br /><br />SOS Children UK <br /><br />Terrington House <br /><br />13-15 Hills Road <br /><br />Cambridge <br /><br />CB2 1NL <br /><br /><br /><br />Tel: 01223 365589 </b> <b><br /><br />Email: info@soschildren.org <br /><br />Website: <a href="http://www.soschildren.org/">www.soschildren.org</a> </b>Treyshawnehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00926589357586995752noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7900442314280784376.post-4345414823009388072012-09-30T10:08:00.000-07:002012-09-30T10:11:24.985-07:00ON MY OWN ***<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br /><br /><br /><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>On my own pretending like all is well, I
know its all in my mind cos you cant choose what you win or loose, I learned that the Hard way, its has taken me years to move-on, but sometimes whatever
decision one makes is actually all for the best.<br /><br /><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I always ask myself why exactly I choose to
be trampled on by my feelings & insecurities, Being Lonely is already a
part me, I feel so entitled to a lot but funny enough I don’t get any. I always
try to fight I know very much that I can’t win, can’t I wake up one morning
without having to think or care about anybody or anything…<br /><br /><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Have you ever been in a situation where
whatever ounce of Goodwill that comes your way, almost always has a ton of bad
luck alongside it, for some years I’ve come across some nice things and
opportunities but I don’t understand why it always ends the way it does,
seriously it gets so bad that I actually beg for Death myself, I very much know
that I haven’t actually caused anyone’s misfortune or disappointments but why
should whatever I delve myself into end in shambles, I always hear them say
don’t give up, just cos you go through it doesn’t mean it’s the End, definitely
I know its not the End, but to a possible extent I’ve had ENOUGH! I try my best
to hold-on but NO! I can’t continue to be a prisoner in my own body.<br /><br /><br /><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This situation has also spread its
tentacles along my friendship path, I can’t possibly find someone committed or
friends who care enough to stick around, there was only one person who
eventually turned out to be an impersonator, who actually was trying to make me
Happy & not himself. I really am cautious as to relationships cos if
actually I’m JINXED, then there’s actually no need getting myself into any
relationship of any sort cos I don’t want to hurt anyone or myself, With all I
go through , Definitely I can<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>say that
‘The world I see is bigger now since I’m Alone” . It isn’t actually perfect
being me but at least its getting Better, I’ve actually ruled out a lot of
options in getting all these corrected but I’m still Hopeful and I know one day
the sun is going to shine for me Alone, I will glow from within me with so much
joy that the world is actually going to smile with Me.<br /><br /><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I actually pity whoever suffers whatever I
go through, it’s hard enough living, let alone with problems, cos we definitely
give our all, we try our best but as usual it all crumbles before our very
eyes, that why some people<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>ask “where
God actually is when all these are happening”.<br /><br /><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You definitely cant change what’s been and
done, all we need do is - take what we need and start the Long but fulfilling
path to prosperity and recovery, It sure is hard to move-on but the joy
afterwards is<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>very Pleasant. I keep this
fresh in my Head cos it has & will continue to be with me for the rest of
my life that I once was very much Normal & God knows who I am now cos I
definitely don’t know, To me I’ve turned out to be everything I actually didn’t
want to be, Now all the stars have faded ,the ones we thought we knew were just
strangers we tried to make into friends & I’ll try to hold on to Life now,
cos actually there’s a Life worth more and I’ll also try not to fear, at least
behind the grave there’s a Light, I will reach It back and at the End I know
I’ll be ALRIGHT! <br />Treyshawnehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00926589357586995752noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7900442314280784376.post-22036996362056286402012-08-15T10:39:00.001-07:002012-08-15T11:02:49.304-07:00BULICIDE***Have you ever felt like taking your own LIFE, cos you feel so messed up
at some point& the pain whether Physical or Emotional becomes too
much to bear & the brains Natural response is to dissociate from
REALITY, Have you been called
WORTHLESS,UGLY,STUPID,FAT,SKINNY,ANOREXIC,BULIMIC,QUEER,GEEKY E.T.C,Two
of the main reasons people are bullied are because of appearance and
social status.<br />
<br />
Bullies pick on the people they think don't fit in, maybe because of how
they look, how they act (for example, kids who are shy and withdrawn),
their race or religion, or because the bullies think their target may be
gay or lesbian.
Every day thousands of teens wake up afraid to go to school. Bullying is
a problem that affects millions of students, and it has everyone
worried, not just the kids on its receiving end. Yet because parents,
teachers, and other adults don't always see it, they may not understand
how extreme bullying can get
Bullying is when a person is picked on over and over again by an
individual or group with more power, either in terms of physical
strength or social standing.
Some bullies attack their targets physically, which can mean anything
from shoving or tripping to punching or hitting, or even sexual assault.
Others use psychological control or verbal insults to put themselves in
charge. For example, people in popular groups or cliques often bully
people they categorize as different by excluding them or gossiping about
them (psychological bullying). They may also taunt or tease their
targets (verbal bullying).<br />
<br />
INSENSITIVITY is one really not so complex but still very not nice
attitude people tend to possess, it might be cos the said person doesn’t
want to show emotions or probably they were brought up in a n
environment which affected them psychologically and made them Hardened
that’s why they tend to shut feelings out and act the way they act which
sometimes is “MEAN”
One of the most painful aspects of bullying is that it is relentless.
Most people can take one episode of teasing or name calling or being
shunned at the mall. However, when it goes on and on, bullying can put a
person in a state of constant fear which also lead to thoughts &
are at risk for mental health problems, such as low self-esteem, stress,
depression, or anxiety. They may also think about suicide, self harm
& more.<br />
<br />
I for one have always been an advocate for “NO SUICIDE” & “NO
BULLYING”, I know very much well how it feels to be bullied, I was
bullied a lot and I also know the experience isn’t nice at all, I got so
messed up one night and I tried to “Overdose” myself with some
prescription drugs but it was a failed attempt cos I was saved and I
sure I’m happy to be Alive now, even if it gets so bad sometimes I feel
like I should stay positive and hope for the best, I wont advice anyone
to try suicide, it isn’t & hasn’t ever been an option, never try to
take your own life “PLEASE” I’m furious enough that suicide is legal in
two states of the U.S but nevertheless please don’t try it cos;<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
People love you, </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
They all want to see you grow & achieve what you want, </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
It isn’t the END
If you’ve ever felt alone, Depressed, Suicidal, Lost, Scared, Worthless
Abandoned or anything of that nature
Just have it in mind that
You Beautiful, Wonderful Wanted,
Don’t quit on yourself, don’t hurt yourself
You are worth this world & no one wants or would like to see you
SUFFER
This way you fell right now is just a phase it will pass
People’s minds will definitely change
Things will definitely get BETTER!! </div>
<br />
Always have it in mind that somewhere, someone actually loves you is
always there for you, Do not do something permanent to yourself over
something temporary, you are way better that that to all the bullies
reading this “ I hope & pray you change cos all what y’all do is
full of hatred, anger and confusion.<br />
<br />
In fact, there is no issue here –
only rage. I feel so sorry for y’all, because you are made in the image
and likeness of God yet y’all cause so much trauma & havoc in the
lives of many
I’ll just advice Also not to attack anyone in anyway, but first try to
understand people before you & judge say mean things to them, work
better on yourselves & refine your attitudes.<br />
<br />
Finally to everyone reading this “SUICIDE & SELF-HARM’ aren’t
options should never be, LIVE YOUR LIFE, we all LOVE YOU!! (^_^) peace!!<br />
<br />
If you ever feel like you need someone to Talk to or consult on any
problem
whatsoever, you could always reach me via;<br />
<br />
Email 1; Don.agabi@yahoo.com<br />
Email 2; mehbuddie.ultra@gmail.com<br />
BB PIN; 30BC9586<br />
Twitter; @A_pluribus_Unum Treyshawnehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00926589357586995752noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7900442314280784376.post-59136428099200908542012-07-15T05:46:00.001-07:002012-07-15T05:46:24.340-07:00TRUST**This is one article i've been dodging to write about,ΐt brings back memories that are now part of Me,i see whatever i do here as Strong Reminder of my past,i think there's actually a reason for everything,A plan for everyone & Last but not тнє least "i believe GOD has a Big plan for some of Us but definitely not in тнє LIFE" <br />
<br />
<br />
LIFE & DEATH,ENERGY & PEACE,these are things that haunt us as humans everyday,i ask myself "what if i stopped Living today,would i say it was WORTH it,yeah actually it was "Тнє pains have burned me,scared my Soul & perhaps for threading on тнє part i've walked,which is. Total "Hell on Earth" Back again,into,under ,far in between,through ΐt ,in it & Above! Lesson learned are burnt & marked on My SOUL! All i seek is Eternal Peace!<br />
<br />
<br />
Trust actually is a reliance on another entity or person,trust is the force that keeps a relationship waxing strong,without trust - there won't be any relationship!!<br />
<br />
I believe strongly that Trust is one of the most critical components for a successful truce between two or more people cos once its absent,work progresses slowly,people are unhappy & uncertain about тнє future. The risk os the loss of тнє relationship or friendship becomes HEIGHTENED & sometimes INEVITABLE! <br />
<br />
Trust is a difficult thing to gain and once you lose it, some say it is impossible to regain. While lies, betrayal and broken promises are painful, they don't always have to be the end of a relationship. There may be some situations where broken trust simply cannot be regained. If the betrayal was too large or the betrayed person unwilling to forgive, nothing you can do will ever make up for it. <br />
<br />
The wounds we gain from being hurt by those that we love, admire and trust run deep and they are not easy to get over. These wounds sometimes shake the very foundation upon which a relationship was built and threaten to destroy the relationship forever.<br />
<br />
However, there are some situations in personal relationships where you may be able to regain the trust you have lost due to a poor decision or action. So, how can you regain broken trust?? <br />
<br />
That's the very Bases of this article,am so lost on this,i've tried everything in the world & in my power to change your perception about me 'sometimes i feel like am getting through to you & sometimes i feel so locked out' this very Article is Dedicated to you & to all my readers with the same problem(s)...<br />
<br />
PLS if you have any suggestion(s) or comment(s) for me & would like to get to me ,u could always be in touch...<br />
<br />
-My Blackberry Pin:30BC9586 <br />
<br />
-My Email : Don.agabi@yahoo.com<br />
<br />
-" Email :mehbuddie@mtnnigeria@blackberry.com<br />
<br />
-Twitter : @IamBaphomet <br />
<br />
<br />
**GODBLESSTreyshawnehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00926589357586995752noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7900442314280784376.post-87917826908633017332012-07-04T16:31:00.001-07:002012-07-04T16:31:00.842-07:00THE BEGINNING OF THE END**I kind of thought my life was pulling itself together cos for a while things have been working out well that more reason why I never really came back to my own space to share this…. <br />
<br />
For a longtime, I haven’t been shown much Love from some group of individuals or people I call my friends, it all seems right now cos I really was shown love & I felt someone somewhere had my back again & again I guess I got through to my mentor who I had been trying to get to reconcile with me, it was just going well as I wanted & I felt Good cos I felt I deserved well after going through the devastating trauma of countless rejection, deceptive people and loneliness, I’ve had my own fair share…<br />
<br />
It was finally beginning to make sense, I put all my time into making people who never like me “feel like we had any connection” whereas we had NONE!!!, it hit me ‘the attitude change and all I wish so much that forgetting people you’ve gotten so much fond of or deleting all about friends was as easy as Shredding a piece of paper or erasing Folders. I go everyday feeling I’m always at fault, feeling & eating myself before but now I understand, it was never about me NO!!! Actually no one does like being PESTERED, which I guess I do a LOT!<br />
<br />
As the end began, I realized I had changed over the years, I’m really evolving and it’s a good thing cos I really don’t have the strength anymore for some SHIT! I go through, I’m going through the metamorphosis & I feel when the time is right DEFINTELY it will all fall in place!!! <br />
<br />
<br />
Thanks for always reading….xxTreyshawnehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00926589357586995752noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7900442314280784376.post-68567332319659130892012-05-22T01:23:00.001-07:002012-05-22T01:23:16.310-07:00VOID***It almost regularly hits me that one day i may not have anyone or thing to call my friend,for year i've battled with this thought(s),i try my best to change my perception on life but instead ΐt gets Worse..<br />
<br />
When i try to make friends,ΐt always is Swift,we get along so good that it actually almost looks perfect but with time we all just drift apart**<br />
<br />
I'm very normal,i get so into whatever i dive into,i care a lot for my friends,but probably I'm not good enough to be cared for or trusted,when some people see me smile,they think "oh that boy is so full of life,he always is Happy" but no!!,No one actually knows how i feel,if ΐ don't smile they'll talk as usual but i smile cos i just wanna be left alone without questioning,besides does anyone actually give aah f**k about me??<br />
<br />
I can imagine how it feels to be distrusted,if we call ourselves friends u should know i won't lie to u at all,i respect my friends,i'll do anything in my power to make them Happy,but still No one trusts me..it baffles me so much why one i call my Mentor & friend will even disbelief me...its just sickening..<br />
<br />
I just feel very Rejected*,if you go through what i go through daily ,God knows what u would have done to yourself..Sometimes it gets so bad that i wish i wasn't even in existence....Anyone i try to get closer to just runs away its almost like I'm jinxed,Cursed or something...i've made a pledge to myself that "Suicide" would never be a thought anymore neither will i think of "Self Hurt"..i've actually asked my creator to kindly Erase me from the face of this Planet but yet i wake up every morning pretending to be Grateful for everyday...I'm just confused***<br />
<br />
He knows me well & he sees ΐt all,he knows how i feel & yet he doesn't do shit about it "I'm angry but i don't want to question his existence cos he has helped me countless times" but why leave me to grow through all this...Why???Treyshawnehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00926589357586995752noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7900442314280784376.post-47378188189416175072012-04-13T10:44:00.001-07:002012-04-13T10:44:48.221-07:00COPING WITH DEPRESSION FROM DEATH**Losing a loved one can be emotionally traumatic, leaving you feeling depressed and isolated. Most often, depression related to death or related to a severe or sudden loss is known as grief. If you are suffering from death-related depression, or grief, contact your health care provider for help.
Grief
Medline Plus states that grief is a painful and unpleasant emotion associated with a major loss or death. Even people who are diagnosed with a chronic or fatal illness may begin grieving. According to the National Mental Health Information Center (NMHIC), grief can last as long as it takes to come to terms with a loss. For one person, it may only take a few months and for another, it could take many years.
Symptoms
The symptoms and signs of grief are similar to depression, though they are classified differently. Health website the Help Guide states that sadness is the most commonly felt emotion surrounding grief. You may cry often, feel dejection, sorrow or a deep loneliness. You may have other symptoms such as anger, fear, guilt or shock and disbelief. The Help Guide also says that grief is sometimes accompanied by physical symptoms, such as extreme exhaustion, nausea, weight gain or loss and pain.
Stages of Grief
Knowing more about the grieving process can help you cope with what you're feeling. It is believed that each grieving person goes through a set of stages, in no particular order or duration. According to Medline Plus, the stages include denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. A person may go through these stages simultaneously or flip quickly between them. You may feel angry that your loved one passed away for a split second before crying and feeling depressed.
Coping with Loss
The Help Guide says that the most important step in coping with death is to get support from family, friends, clergy or other support groups. Talking to a therapist or grief counselor can help you work through any issues, unresolved emotions or underlying causes that you might have in relation to your grief. You also need to take good care of yourself, despite how you may feel. Taking care of your physical needs will help you as you grieve. The Help Guide suggests being creative in expressing your emotions and feelings by writing a letter, making a scrapbook or putting together a photo album of your deceased loved one.
How Grief Compares to Depression
According to the NMHIC, grief does differ from depression. With depression, you will feel a lack of interest in activities that used to bring you joy, altered sleep patterns, loss of appetite and weight loss or gain, feeling hopeless, feeling guilty, thoughts of suicide or death, lacking energy or anxiety. These emotions can also be part of the normal grieving process, but if they do not subside, it's important to get mental health help.Treyshawnehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00926589357586995752noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7900442314280784376.post-74668068448548916262012-04-13T10:38:00.000-07:002012-04-13T10:38:55.566-07:00How to Deal With the Death of a Loved One<blockquote>Grief is a necessary but unpleasant part of life, and grief is at its worst when you're dealing with the loss of a loved one. There's no right or wrong, normal or abnormal way to grieve, as everyone experiences different emotions and deals with them in a different way. It's important to accept grief and learn how you can best handle the loss of a loved one. Once you've properly grieved and acknowledged your feelings, you can move on with your life---while never forgetting your loved one or how much she meant to you.</blockquote>
Step 1
<b>Understand the stages of grief. After the death of a loved one, you're likely to experience many different emotions. At first, you may be in denial about your loss, followed by anger. You may find yourself bargaining and trying to make a deal to bring your loved one back, even if you know that's not realistic. Depression is also common following the death of a loved one. Finally, once you've been able to deal with all of your emotions, you'll learn to accept your loss and your grief, and finally start to feel better. Know that you may experience only some of these emotions---and that's normal too.</b>
Step 2
<b>Seek solace from family and friends. You'll need to rely on your other loved ones now more than ever. You can share in your grief and sadness, and rejoice in your memories. Talk about your anger, frustration, fear, sadness and loneliness. Just talking about it and saying it out loud can help you deal with your loss---and, you will benefit from the support and advice of family and friends.
Step 3</b>
<b>Turn to religion. If you're a religious person, you may find comfort in your religious beliefs during this difficult time. Pray, meditate, attend services or talk to the spiritual leaders you trust. They may be able to help guide you through your grief and </b>accept the death of your loved one.
Step 4
Find outside support. A support group for people who have lost loved ones can be a helpful resource. You can talk to others who understand what you're going through, and help each other deal with your grief. You may also want to consider seeing a therapist to help you navigate the grieving process.
Step 5
Write about your feelings. Writing in a journal can be therapeutic, so start jotting down whatever is on your mind. Maybe you're thinking about things you're not comfortable sharing---a journal can help release pent-up grief and stress.
Step 6
Stay healthy. When you're grieving, it's easy to neglect your own health. Remember to eat and maintain a healthy diet. Try getting some exercise---it will also help you improve your emotional health. And, make sure you allow yourself a healthy amount of sleep each night.
<b>Tips and Warnings
Give yourself plenty of time to grieve, and don't push yourself to heal too quickly.
If you feel extremely depressed or feel like you can't control your grief, seek professional help immediately.
</b>
I pray very much that this tips help you in every way possible...its always my joy helping you out!!Treyshawnehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00926589357586995752noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7900442314280784376.post-32386708566530780852012-02-24T17:49:00.000-08:002012-02-24T17:49:33.981-08:00I LOST IT**A close friend can be a confidant, a companion, a shoulder to cry on and a partner in crime. Regardless of how compatible you are at the height of the friendship, your relationship may end because you no longer want to spend time together. Whether your friendship ended because of a disagreement, busy schedules or different directions and priorities in life,i'll always remember our time together fondly. ΐ've tried to bring to life some steps ΐ tried in getting my friend back,trust me some will definitely work for You,ΐt all depends in your Level of friendship Aπϑ understanding..Here are some few steps below; <br /><br />Step 1<br /><br />Discuss the situation with a trusted friend or family member, particularly if you're sad or confused about the friendship breakup. Expressing your feelings will help you achieve closure so you can develop new relationships. <br /><br />Step 2<br /><br />ΐ would advice u still try to talk to your friend and find out what really went wrong,if Чöü both can figure that out,then there might be a way out of T̅ђє whole drama surrounding Чöü both..<br /><br />Step 3<br /><br />If Чöü've tried ΐt all Aπϑ ΐt still doesn't seem to be working,ΐ'll probably suggest Чöü give your friend time alone,sometimes in someways Чöü feel Чöü know a person so well,Чöü may not notice you piss em off at times,ΐt May be that Чöü talk a lot or your just too emotional for your friend to handle, so ΐ'll advice you gauge some behaviours Чöü exhibit with your friend...<br /><br /><br />T̅ђє actual cause of T̅ђє Fight or quarrel may be something very minute,but for ΐt to amount to something like this,that means there must have been something,somewhere which triggered T̅ђє sudden change in attitude which eventually lead to your break-up as Friends..<br /><br />we all have limits & different breaking points,so ΐ may pretend ΐ like all Чöü do but deep down inside,ΐt worries me,but ΐ wouldn't want you to feel sad,so ΐ don't say a word....but when ΐt eventually becomes unbearable Aπϑ uncomfortable,that's when u see T̅ђє real stuff your friend has been keeping from Чöü..<br /><br />Y'all work on your friendships,its cool to know Real friends still exist,ΐ wish we could all say T̅ђє same but that's life for Чöü "Чöü loose some,Чöü get some" <br /><br />ΐ pray this helps Чöü in anyway...xxTreyshawnehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00926589357586995752noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7900442314280784376.post-28335215730094265842012-02-08T07:12:00.000-08:002012-02-08T07:12:55.817-08:00**Love & Your Relationship**<span style="font-weight:bold;">Love is as critical for your mind and body as oxygen. It's not negotiable. The more connected you are, the healthier you will be both physically and emotionally. The less connected you are, the more you are at risk.<br /></span><br />It is also true that the less love you have, the more depression you are likely to experience in your life. Love is probably the best antidepressant there is because one of the most common sources of depression is feeling unloved. Most depressed people don't love themselves and they do not feel loved by others. They also are very self-focused, making them less attractive to others and depriving them of opportunities to learn the skills of love.<br /><br /><blockquote>There is a mythology in our culture that love just happens. As a result, the depressed often sit around passively waiting for someone to love them. But love doesn't work that way. To get love and keep love you have to go out and be active and learn a variety of specific skills.<br />Related Articles<br /></blockquote><br /> * Why Does It Hurt So Bad?<br /> * Love and (Inter)marriage<br /> * Cultivating Real Love<br /> * The Psychology of Love<br /> * Hook-Up Culture Clash<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Find a Therapist<br /></span><br />Most of us get our ideas of love from popular culture. We come to believe that love is something that sweeps us off our feet. But the pop-culture ideal of love consists of unrealistic images created for entertainment, which is one reason so many of us are set up to be depressed. It's part of our national vulnerability, like eating junk food, constantly stimulated by images of instant gratification. We think it is love when it's simply distraction and infatuation.<br /><br />One consequence is that when we hit real love we become upset and disappointed because there are many things that do not fit the cultural ideal. Some of us get demanding and controlling, wanting someone else to do what we think our ideal of romance should be, without realizing our ideal is misplaced.<br /><br />*It is not only possible but necessary to change one's approach to love to ward off depression. Follow these action strategies to get more of what you want out of life—to love and be loved.><br /><br />* My Lover doesnt believe in Therapists or inviting third parties into relationships,i feel theres actually no problem with sharing some details with people you trust,but if your Lover doesnt love the idea,i'll just advice you both sort yourselves out,it better you both understnad yourselves than allowing the third party to push Akward settings into your head...<br /><br /><blockquote><span style="font-weight:bold;">** I am totally not against bringing therapist into your Relationship,But all i'll advice i that you take whatever decision you feel will prove Helpful & productive or the one that has helped your relationship in the past.. <br /></span></blockquote><br /> * Recognize the difference between limerance and love. Limerance is the psychological state of deep infatuation. It feels good but rarely lasts. Limerance is that first stage of mad attraction whereby all the hormones are flowing and things feel so right. Limerance lasts, on average, six months. It can progress to love. Love mostly starts out as limerance, but limerance doesn't always evolve into love.<br /> * Know that love is a learned skill, not something that comes from hormones or emotion particularly. Erich Fromm called it "an act of will." If you don't learn the skills of love you virtually guarantee that you will be depressed, not only because you will not be connected enough but because you will have many failure experiences.<br /> * Learn good communication skills. They are a means by which you develop trust and intensify connection. The more you can communicate the less depressed you will be because you will feel known and understood.<br /><br /><blockquote><blockquote>There are always core differences between two people, no matter how good or close you are, and if the relationship is going right those differences surface. The issue then is to identify the differences and negotiate them so that they don't distance you or kill the relationship.<br /></blockquote></blockquote><br />You do that by understanding where the other person is coming from, who that person is, and by being able to represent yourself. When the differences are known you must be able to negotiate and compromise on them until you find a common ground that works for both.<br /><br /> * Focus on the other person. Rather than focus on what you are getting and how you are being treated, read your partner's need. What does this person really need for his/her own well-being? This is a very tough skill for people to learn in our narcissistic culture. Of course, you don't lose yourself in the process; you make sure you're also doing enough self-care.<br /> * Help someone else. Depression keeps people so focused on themselves they don't get outside themselves enough to be able to learn to love. The more you can focus on others and learn to respond and meet their needs, the better you are going to do in love.<br /> * Develop the ability to accommodate simultaneous reality. The loved one's reality is as important as your own, and you need to be as aware of it as of your own. What are they really saying, what are they really needing? Depressed people think the only reality is their own depressed reality.<br /> * Actively dispute your internal messages of inadequacy. Sensitivity to rejection is a cardinal feature of depression. As a consequence of low self-esteem, every relationship blip is interpreted far too personally as evidence of inadequacy. Quick to feel rejected by a partner, you then believe it is the treatment you fundamentally deserve. But the rejection really originates in you, and the feelings of inadequacy are the depression speaking.<br /><br />Recognize that the internal voice is strong but it's not real. Talk back to it. "I'm not really being rejected, this isn't really evidence of inadequacy. I made a mistake." Or "this isn't about me, this is something I just didn't know how to do and now I'll learn." When you reframe the situation to something more adequate, you can act again in an effective way and you can find and keep the love that you need.<br /><br />I hope & pray this brings ur relationship in anyway....Love y'all ~*~Emeka Emmanuel Uhuegbu~*~Treyshawnehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00926589357586995752noreply@blogger.com0